i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
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Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
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I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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