I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
