my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
