I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
