So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
