and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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