alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
