All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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