captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
