Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
