T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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