genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
