Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
