How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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