Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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