Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Randomize
