sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
3pm strippers are depressing
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
