I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
