ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
