Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
