My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
