May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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