"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
