dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Sober January is a disaster.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
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I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
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At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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