Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
