She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
