They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
