Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Randomize
