And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
