i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
