I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
