i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
