I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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