Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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