He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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