dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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