There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
