I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
