This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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