There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
