So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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