bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
