farters have to be the big spoon...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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