friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
