I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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