went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
