If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.