I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
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i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
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You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who