if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"