he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.