i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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