I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
