Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
