I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
