I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
