New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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