I wanna passion pit in your ass
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
