i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
only you would photoshop your dick
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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